


Tsumugi Goes to Arby's

by LilyDayz



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Absurd, Crack, I'm Sorry, In-Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29913240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyDayz/pseuds/LilyDayz
Summary: The title says it all. A late night trip to a fast food restaraunt leads everyone to lose their minds.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Tsumugi Goes to Arby's

It was 7:30 P.M. Upon Kaito's insistence, him, Kaede, Tsumugi, Gonta, and Shuichi piled into his beat-up car to go out for a late-night drive. They had no goal, no plans, and thankfully, no worries. It was... almost appealing. The rickety car was barely holding itself together, but the bleak, black sky and the blindingly bright lights made for a perfect atmosphere. 

Tsumugi sat in the back of the car, her face practically glued to the window. She wasn't one for such a rowdy kind of social interaction, but the time spent with her friends was decidedly priceless. She sat there eagle-eyed, looking at the pretty sights and desperately trying to find some eventful destination to go to.

Stopping at a red light, Kaito decided to break the silence and ask around. "Shit, I think I missed dinner or somethin'. Anyone wanna stop by at Arby's or something? Y'all gonna have to pay for your own food though."

Shuichi couldn't help but scoff a bit. "Why there specifically? Surely there's better options."

Tsumugi decided to speak up, regretting her inability to physically shush Shuichi. "Now, now Shuichi. Sometimes we just get hit by the plot convenience bug, and there's nothing we can do about it."

"The...what?"

Gonta shouted at the top of his lungs. "DID SOMEONE SAY BUGS?"

Everyone groaned. "It's... just a figure of speech, Gonta." Kaede assured.

"Oh, plot convenience strikes again." Tsumugi mumbled.

"Oh, ok." Gonta replied, in an apologetic tone of voice. "I do hope we see bugs in this... Ar-bees."

Kaito laughed out loud. "Oh, I fucking hope there aren't bugs there." It was a rather quiet ride to the... still rather arbitrary choice of restaurant. Arbytrary?

Quickly they arrived, the parking lot rather empty. The gang left the car, quickly shuffling towards their destination in the cold night.

"H-Hey," Shuichi began to ask. "Aren't we forgetting something rather important?"

At this time, Tsumugi jumped in front of the detective, and grabbed him by the shoulders. "SHUICHI PLEASE, THIS IS FUCKING ESCAPISM."

"It's what?"

"YOU HEARD ME. THERE IS NO TRAGEDIES, NO KILLING GAMES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THERE.IS.NO. CONTEXT."

"O-Ok then."

"Come on you guys, we can't wait out here all night." Kaede added, in utmost confusion.

The Arby's was quite barren, in fact not a single employee was in sight.

"Well fuck, the lights are on, but no one seems to be here." Kaito said, visibly frustrated. He walked over to the counter. "Hey, is there anyone still here?"

Rising from out of nowhere.... The worst thing possibly came up. Or THINGS.

"BEARY NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Monokuma, Monophanie, Monodam, Monosuke, and Monokid plopped into view. "Welcome! What would you like to order?"

Everyone in the room decided that it was clear that it was time to get out. Go home. Jump into bed. Forget, but never forgive.

"Oh yeah, I locked the door." Monokuma added.

"S-Surely this isn't setup for some killing game, right?" Kaede asked, shivering.

"Ehhhhh nah, this is just a side gig." Monokuma replied.

"...Aren't there supposed to be six of you?" Tsumugi asked.

"Ehh, Monotaro's more of a Burger King guy." Monosuke butted in.

Monokuma unleashed his wrath against his children, yet again. "So again, what are you going to order, I don't got all night."

"You... expect us to actually trust you to cook food for us?" Shuichi asked.

"Don't worry brainiac. I and the kubs are under hypocritical oath!" Monokuma replied.

"...1, that's Hippocratic oath, and 2, that's for doctors."

Gonta decided to step up to Monokuma's... challenge? "Gonta gentleman! Gentlemen taste-test each other's dishes to make sure they're safe!"

"I don't think that's right." Kaede mumbled.

Kaito, hearing his stomach roaring, rushed to order. "Yeah yeah, I guess I'll get a roast beef yee-ro."

"Kaito!" Shuichi exclaimed in disgust. "That is NOT how you pronounce that."

"Oh yeah?" Kaito replied. "What is it then?"

"Jeye-ro."

Kaede thought to add to this mindless conversation. "Um Shuichi, that's not right either, it's-"

"IF I WANTED DISCOURCE I'D GO ONLINE. PICK UP A FOOTBALL." Tsumugi shouted, ending the fight before it ever began.

She cleared her throat. "So uhh yeah. I want like. 30 mozzarella sticks. That's my shit."

Shuichi groaned. "Oh my god you guys... I'll get nothing."

"I'll get...nothing, I guess." Kaede added, standing with Shuichi.

"Gonta want... uh..." Gonta was getting a bit of stage fright at the front counter.

"Yeah uhh, just get Gonta your finest chicken tendies, fries, and chocolate milk I guess." Kaito rushed out, to get in and out of here as quickly as possible.

"WOOOOO!" Gonta shouted.

Monokuma and the kubs got to work in the back. Monophanie stumbled to the side, getting the confidence to ask, "Daddy, do you have literally any plans whatsoever?"

"Nah, just the sweat and grease of the minimum wage grind." Monokuma replied, unironically invested in the work.

"THE WEIGHT OF JOINING THE WORKING CLASS HAS SMASHED FATHER'S SOUL." Monodam whimpered, in tears.

"Ah, who fuckin' cares?" Monokid pushed his brother's concerns aside. "Who needs a soul when you're a mascot with a pawful of money?"

"Yeah, sorry Monodam. Shit's the rules of life." Monosuke added.

"HOW IS THIS WORLD JUST?" Monodam contemplated his views on life.

"Kids, can you quiet down? I didn't listen to a word you just said, I'm too busy cooking."

The gang waited rather impatiently for their order. They were anxious to just get out and not learn more about Monokuma's social life. Eventually, the conversations they had derailed ever further into absurdity.

Tsumugi was getting extremely heated towards Kaito. "Ok, so what those lowly peons of the Internet don't understand is that Mayonnaise IS an instrument. An instrument of-"

"Foods here!" Monokuma threw the tray onto their table and ran off. "Finally. The fuck was he in such a hurry for though? We're the only ones here."

Gonta held his hand up in excitement. "Look friends! Meal come with toy!" It was a small button, that played a ding noise upon being pressed.

Monokuma ran back to behind the counter, with his kubs. There, he sat on the contaminated floor and began to meditate loudly.

"Hmmm.... Hmm....... HMMMMMM...."

"Daddy, what are you doing?" Monophanie approached him and asked.

"I forgot to punish Monotaro for your actions. I just realized that I can't send violence over the phone, so I'm launching an astral attack on him."

"Astral... attack?"

"Yeah, if you channel your energy and think really mean thoughts about someone hard enough, they'll experience pain in real life! What do those cronies teach you at school?"

Somewhere, in a Burger King far, far away...

Monotaro put back on his paper crown, fastening a regal (Read: made of napkins) cape around his back. Standing tall and proud on a table in the middle of the empty dining room, he declared:

"Hear ye, hear ye! Tonight, on this fine summer evening, your beary noble king, Monotaro, have an announcement to make! Tomorrow morning, our proud kingdom will march onwards, and add the next-door Applebee's to our glorious dynasty. Imagine! Once that is conquered, consider what else we can grab for ourselves! The Taco Bell, the KFC, the combination-"

Monotaro clutched his stomach, a horrid pain churning within, before falling unconsciousness from his father's ferocious astral attack.

Back at the Arby's table, the gang found a new problem.

Kaito turned to look at Tsumugi's corner of the table. "Hey, Tsumugi... I think you got 30 orders of mozzarella sticks."

She looked over her mountain of sticks. "What of it?"

"That's... way too much." Shuichi replied, in disbelief.

"Look, if you want a piece of my kingdom, you can stand down and declare yourself a part of my cause."

"I... what cause?!"

"Shuichi, I don't think this is an argument you can win." Kaede said, sneaking her hand across the table to yoink a mozzarella stick. She was met with Tsumugi swiftly slapping her hand away.

"Treason! TREASON!" Tsumugi shouted. She got up, stomping around the restaurant. "Oh, geez. What kind of self-respecting Arby's doesn't have a guillotine? I'd like to speak with your manager, Monokuma."

"My.... manager? Sure." Monokuma got out a phone and dialed in a number. Before he could start calling, a door burst open.

"Young woman... I am the manager." An adult man entered the Arby's, without signal or reason.

"I... am Kazutaka Kodaka." He solemnly introduced himself, with Masafumi Takada behind him playing sinister background music.

Kaito started sweating, terror seeping into his voice. " **FUCK, I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS**!"

"Why, to fight a man as powerful as Kodaka would be tough enough. But with Takada as back-up, fighting back is suicide! Unless... Gonta, hand me your toy!" Tsumugi commanded to her friend. He handed it over without hesitation. Toy in hand, Tsumugi approached the manager.

"Kodaka... Isn't the author fighting his creations a cliche?! **Ding!** " She shouted, hoping to invoke the power of CinemaSins.

"You foul witch... Stop this at once!" Kodaka begged, with scorn in his voice.

"Danganronpa, more like. dumbganronpa. **DING**! Oh no, not a title drop! **Ding**!"

Kodaka screeched, as he melted like a certain witch. As he become nothing more than a puddle of water, the doors unlocked, and a medley could be heard.

"What... was any of that?" Shuichi asked, clearly traumatized.

"A darn disgrace is what just happened!" Tsumugi grumbled, sitting back down to munch on her mountain of rapidly cooling down mozzarella sticks. "See, I KNEW we should have gone to Applebee's!" Everyone ate their food in silence, as even Monokuma and the Monokubs completely gave up on anything mischievous.

Everyone cleaned up and piled back into the car, Tsumugi carrying a large bag of mozzarella sticks.

"So, what did we learn tonight gang?" Kaito said, disappointed.

"That this Ar-bee's is mean lie?" Gonta questioned.

"That going out to eat at night is a bad idea?" Kaede added.

"That we're all completely out of our minds?!" Shuichi added.

"That creative celebrities are not only people just like us, but they might be weaker?" Tsumugi added.

"No. That kid's meal toys are fucking awesome." Kaito answered, hitting the road.

**Author's Note:**

> This was not made by choice, this was made by obligation.


End file.
